A Love to Live For Read online

  What on earth had just happened?

  One moment I was having a pleasant conversation with Joseph, talking about flowers and his sister, and the next, I was running away.

  No, wait, I forgot to mention the most important part, which was the reason why I ran away – the part where Joseph asked me to go out with him.

  At first, I thought it was a joke or that I had heard him wrong which was I had managed to grin but when I saw the serious look on his face, the gleam of sincerity in his eyes, my grin vanished and along with it my capacity for coherent thought. Too stunned to speak, to think or even breathe, I simply stared at him for what seemed like an eternity and when his expression still remained, I looked down at my hands, started fidgeting with the hem of my sweater, mumbled some hurried excuse which I could no longer remember – or was it an apology? – and then ran away.

  Alright, so I had a tendency to run away. I was more of a flight person than a fight person. Somehow, I always had a suspicion about that, since I would always try to avoid confrontations with other people, especially those close to me, shy away from new things or things that already seem daunting at the onset, and loved escaping away to fictional worlds, preferably while lying on my bed and eating something sweet, or turning to drawing whenever something weighed heavily on my mind, but I supposed the recent incident with Joseph confirmed it.

  I was a runaway.

  And right now, I felt like a complete fool, far from the mature person I thought age had transformed me into.

  Why did I have to be so foolish? As I replayed the scenario over and over in my mind, I could think of a few ways it could have ended better. I could have asked to talk about it some more, I could have asked him why. I could have asked him for more time to think about it. Yes, I could have stayed calm and composed, but I fell apart.

  That, however, was already in the past. The question was: What was I going to do now?

  Clearly, I had to go talk to him again or I would never be able to face him. I had to go and apologize for how badly I had behaved. More importantly, I had to clarify the situation, which meant I had to give him an answer.

  Will you go out with me?

  It was such a simple question if you looked at it, and yet it was so difficult to answer. There were only two possible ones, though – yes or no.

  It would be simpler to say no, a thought which once more made me realize how much of a runaway and a coward I was. After all, if I did, then nothing would change and we could just stay the way we were, friends who occasionally bumped into each other.

  Besides, it would be unfair if I said yes when I didn’t really like him, at least not in a romantic way. I mean, I found him likable as a person. After all, what was there not to like? He was kind. He was polite. He was a hard worker. While he wasn’t a genius, he was far from being stupid, either, and now that I thought about it, he was quite good-looking, too.

  No, Joseph wasn’t bad at all. In fact, the more I considered it, the more I thought he would make a good boyfriend.

  Not that I knew much about boyfriends. I had never had a boyfriend before. I had never even gone out with a guy before. Nope, not since birth. By the time I became interested, which was a little later than most of my friends, it seemed as if there was no guy interested in me. Yes, they would look my way and chat with me and all, but in the end, none of them asked me the question that Joseph just asked, nor did they give me any reason, though I supposed some of them were intimidated by me, some of them just didn’t like me and the others were just plain stupid or utter jerks.

  Like most girls, I pretended not to mind, pretended that the lack of a guy on my arm was no lack, at all. Still, there were rainy afternoons when I stared at the window, at the raindrops trickling down the glass, while listening to sentimental love songs, wishing I had someone to cuddle with, and nights when I couldn’t sleep just wondering why I didn’t have one.

  Well, now, finally, someone asked me that question and he turned out to be a good guy, one I could very well learn to like romantically if I tried, but was that enough reason for me to say yes? Wasn’t I just using him?

  Then again, he was the one who asked me. He didn’t ask me if I liked him. He didn’t even say he liked me. He just asked me if I could go out with him. At any rate, it was he who asked, so I wouldn’t be using him.

  I was forgetting something, though, something very important. What if I ended up falling in love with Joseph and then he died?

  Now that would be difficult. At the same time, though, his condition meant that if I said no, I would be breaking his heart and denying one of his final wishes, which was just cruel and selfish of me.

  But if I said yes, wouldn’t it just be out of pity?

  No. I shook my head. If I was going to say yes, then it shouldn’t be out of pity, but because I liked him as a person and could learn to like him more than that. I would do my best not to fall in love with him, though, so that I won’t end up getting hurt. Falling in love with someone just to lose him hurt more than anything, after all.

  Wait, so did that mean I was going to say yes?

  I thought about it some more. Then, when I was getting so confused my head started to ache, I stopped thinking. Instead, I placed my arm over my forehead, closed my eyes and started breathing deeply, telling myself to relax. Then, my mind clearer, I got up and decided to head home.

  Whenever I couldn’t find an answer to a problem I had or wasn’t sure of the one I came up with, I always asked someone else for advice. In the past, I had always asked my best friend, Michelle, whom I had known since elementary school and so I decided to ask her.

  She was no longer in town, though, already living in Tucson with her husband, and so the only way I could talk to her was over the phone, and since it was only ten in the morning, which meant she was probably at work and didn’t want to be disturbed, I had to wait several hours. I didn’t mind, though, deciding to work as well to get my mind off things, immersing myself in the drawings that I was supposed to make for the children’s book I was working on.

  As usual, time flew by quickly while I worked and before I knew it, it was already five in the afternoon. Tired and hungry, I went down to the kitchen to start fixing dinner. Then, after dinner, I ran up to my room and dialed Michelle’s number.

  After the third ring, she answered. “Becca?”

  Just the sound of her voice made me smile. “Michelle! It’s good to hear your voice again!”

  “It’s good to hear your voice again!” she said. “I haven’t heard from you in ages.”

  “You mean in two weeks.”

  “Ages,” she repeated. “Anyway, how have you been doing?”

  “Good,” I said, then added, “Well, actually, I’m in a bit of a situation at the moment.”

  “What situation?” she asked, her curiosity apparent. I was suddenly reminded of a quote about friendship, the one that said it didn’t matter how long friends had been apart since whenever they talked, it still seemed as if they had seen each other yesterday.

  “Do you remember Joseph from elementary school, middle school and high school?”

  She chuckled. “Yes? Did he finally ask you out?”

  “He…” I paused as he words registered. “What did you just say?”

  “I asked if he finally asked you out,” Michelle obligingly repeated. “After all, he seemed like he always had a thing for you.”

  “He did?”

  “Oh, come on, you mean you never noticed? Geez, you’re more oblivious than I thought.”

  I sat on the edge of my bed. “So you mean he’s always liked me? Why did you never tell me?”

  “You didn’t seem interested in him. Besides, I was afraid that if you got Joseph for a boyfriend, you’d forget about me.”

  “Why would I do that?”

  “Oh, come on, it happens all the time. Girls always leave their best friends for their boyfriends.”

  “You mean like how you left me for that Trevor guy you met in college?�
�

  “Ouch. You still are my best friend, you know.”

  I grinned. “I was only kidding. Anyway, so Joseph asked me if I wanted to go out with him.”

  “And what did you say?”

  I shrugged. “I…haven’t given him an answer yet.”

  “And what answer were you planning on giving?”

  I fell on top of my bed with a plop. “I don’t know.”

  “Surely you must have an answer you’re leaning towards,” she said. “Let me guess. You want to say yes but you’re not sure if it’s right because you’re not sure if you like him.”

  I did not know whether to smile or sigh. “You still know me so well.”

  “Of course,” she said. “So that means I was right. Well, why don’t you just say yes? You don’t have anything to lose, do you? And girl, it’s about time for you to go out with a guy, don’t you think?”

  I wanted to tell her that I did have something to lose since Joseph was dying but I decided not to let her know about Joseph’s condition. He clearly didn’t want a lot of people knowing about it, after all.

  “Becca?”

  “Still here,” I said. “So you’re saying it’s okay for me to go out with him even if I’m not sure how I feel about him. Isn’t that unfair?”

  “Becca, Joseph was the one who asked you, which means he likes you, which means he doesn’t really care at this point whether you really like him or not. Just be honest. Tell him how you feel but give it a try anyway. Who knows? You’ll never know what is waiting on the other side unless you cross the bridge.”

  I kept quiet, thinking.

  “And if it doesn’t work out, I’m sure you’ll gain some good memories from it just the same,” Michelle went on. “And valuable experience that you could use in your relationships to come. Besides, if you say no, you’ll end up wondering forever how things could have been if you said yes. They say you end up regretting the things you didn’t do more than the things you did.”

  I sighed. “I guess I’m going to be going out with Joseph, huh?”

  She chuckled. “You should be celebrating, and I wish I was there to celebrate with you.”

  “I wish you were here, too.”

  “Cheer up. I think if you give Joseph a chance, you might just find out that you’ve liked him all along.”

  That was one of the things I was afraid of, but I didn’t say so.

  “And for all it’s worth, I think you and Joseph will make a great couple.”

  I wanted to smile at that, but didn’t. “Thanks, Michelle. Have I ever told you you should start an advice blog?”

  “You’re welcome,” she said. “And I know. I give great advice, but they’re only for great friends like you.”

  That made me smile. “I miss you.”

  “I miss you, too.”

  “Well, say hi to Trevor for me.”

  “Say hi to Joseph,” she said. “And your dad, and Bethany and Abigail. Oh, and don’t forget to keep me updated on how things go.”

  “I will,” I told her. “Take care.”

  “You, too, and good luck.”

  “Bye.”

  “Bye.”

  I listened as the phone call ended with a click, not wanting to be the first to hang up as always. I missed my best friend. I really did.

  Her words of wisdom gave me the strength I needed, though, and so the next day, after a hearty breakfast and a refreshing shower, I headed back to town. Again, I stopped outside the flower shop, gathering my courage. Then, taking a deep breath, I went inside.

  Joseph smiled as he saw me but his expression quickly turned serious. “Rebecca, I…I’m sorry. I…”

  “No, I’m sorry,” I told him. “I shouldn’t have run off like that. It was foolish of me and rude.”

  “I was rude, too,” he said. “I shouldn’t have…”

  Suddenly, we were interrupted by the door opening and my eyes widened when two of my friends from high school, Cindy and Lois, entered.

  “Rebecca?” Cindy seemed surprised to see me, as well, but she quickly overcame it and gave me a hug. “What a surprise seeing you here.”

  Lois, too, gave me a hug. Then, she waved at Joseph. “Hello, Joseph.”

  Joseph just waved at them.

  “So what are you two doing here?” I asked.

  “As you know, we’re both organizing the high school reunion,” Cindy explained. “Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten all about it.”

  “No, of course not,” I lied. In truth, I had forgotten about the upcoming high school reunion and wasn’t sure if I was going to attend.

  “Remember, it’s going to be next Saturday,” Lois said. “The two of you will come, won’t you?”

  “Yeah, I think so,” I said, knowing that if I said that I wasn’t going outright, I wouldn’t hear the end of it from Cindy and Lois.

  “And you, Joseph?” Cindy asked.

  “I…I’m not so sure.”

  “Oh.” Cindy said, both she and Lois frowning.

  “You should come,” Lois insisted.

  “Well, Joseph is a little busy these days,” I said. “And not just with the flower shop.”

  Lois sighed. “Well, at least we’re sure you’ll come, won’t you? You can bring your boyfriend, if you have any, that is.”

  “Is it true you’ve never gone out with a guy?” Cindy asked in a whisper.

  I blushed. “Well, I…”

  “Oh, don’t worry.” Lois squeezed my arm. “I’m sure there’s someone out there who will want to go out with you. Maybe if you do something with your hair or…”

  “Actually,” Joseph interrupted her. “I…”

  “Actually, I am going out with someone right now,” I interrupted him in turn without thinking, grabbing his arm as I looked at Cindy and Lois. “I’m going out with Joseph.”

  Chapter Three

  “So you’re going out with me now, huh?” Joseph asked as soon as Cindy and Lois had left, having placed the orders for the flowers that they had come to the shop for.

  I turned around to face him but quickly averted my gaze, feeling a blush creep into my cheeks. “I…I thought about your…your offer, and I’ve decided to give it a try.” I looked into his eyes. “It is still valid, isn’t it? I mean, you didn’t change your mind after…”

  “Yes, I believe it’s still valid,” he said with a smile. “In fact, I don’t think it has an expiration date.”

  I smiled weakly.

  “Just out of curiosity, you didn’t make up your mind just because of what Cindy and Lois said, did you?” he asked.

  “No, not at all,” I said quickly. “My mind was already made up.”

  He nodded, understanding. “Good.”

  “I was just rushed into announcing my decision,” I added. “Really, those two haven’t changed at all. They’re going to give Mrs. Winters a run for her money.”

  “You mean in vying for the position of the top town meddler and gossiper?” Joseph asked. “I wouldn’t compare them to Mrs. Winters. At least, when Mrs. Winters meddles into someone’s affairs, she has good intentions. I don’t think I can say the same for those two. In fact, I doubt if they’ve ever had good intentions.”

  I bumped him playfully on the shoulder. “You are so mean. Sure, Cindy and Lois can be mean, but I’m sure they have a spot of good inside them. I mean, they’re organizing the reunion, aren’t they?”

  He chuckled.

  I threw him a puzzled look. “What?”

  “You sound just like a preacher’s daughter,” he said. “Not that I find anything wrong about that, of course.”

  “Well, you’re the one who chose to go out with a preacher’s daughter,” I told him.

  “Like I said, I don’t find anything wrong about that.”

  “Why did you choose me anyway?” I asked, unable to keep my curiosity reined in. “Why did you ask me when you could have asked so many other girls?”

  “Like who?”

  “Like Cindy and Lois,” I sai
d half jokingly.

  He snorted.

  “Seriously, though, there are plenty of other girls here in Continental.”

  “Perhaps,” he said. “But none of them can get on my nerves like you do and still fascinate me.”

  I laughed. “Is that why?”

  “Among other things,” he said.

  There was a moment of silence between us.

  “Can I ask why you said yes?” he asked.

  I took a deep breath. “I’ll be honest with you, Joseph. I’m not really sure how I feel about you but I said yes because I’m willing to find out. I owe you that much.”

  “I see,” he said, seemingly displeased but trying to hide it.

  There was another moment of silence.

  “So what do we do now?” I asked. “And please pardon my ignorance because I’ve…”

  “Never gone out with a guy before, I know,” Joseph said.

  “How do you know?”

  “Because Cindy and Lois know,” he teased. “But seriously, it’s an honor to be your first, though I can’t believe that I waited such a long time.”

  “Why did you?”

  He shrugged. “I was scared, I guess.”

  “Am I scary?”

  He nodded. “Plus, knowing your life is about to end may scare the hell out of you but it can also give you a lot of courage and put things in perspective.”

  I simply nodded, not knowing how to comment on what he’d just said.

  “Anyway, as to the first order of business…” He turned around and offered me a white flower. “Allow me to present you with a Casablanca lily.”

  “Which means?” I asked as I took the beautiful flower.

  “It stands for celebrations, and I think one is certainly in order today since you agreed to go out with me.”

  “Okay,” I acceded.

  “And here is a violet.” He took out another flower. “It stands for commitment. Consider it my promise to take good care of you.”

  I smiled as I received the violet. “Thank you.”